Oh fuck it.

Fourteen people died near me today in a shooting. By "near me" I mean half an hour away, in the city where I go shopping and fly into and out of for trips. Close enough to be considered "in the area."

What happened? He blocked the back door with a stolen car, meaning it was premeditated. And then he simply walked in and started shooting.

It's a reality check.
A disturbing, surreal, cold, harsh reality check.
My friends and I have been saying the same things that the news stations and residents are saying: "These things don't happen here."

It's frightening to think of. The fact that, in a small area where little to no violence ever takes place, you can get up one day to go to work or to volunteer and end up dead.

I have been frightened of life a good deal already.
I have one shot that I want to make count. I want to be someone and I want to be someone I can be proud of. I want to be happy and have worthwhile experiences.
But what have I been doing?
Sitting around waiting for life to come to me.

I'm a mediocre student studying twenty minutes away from home. I have taken risks but never ones that would cause long-term consequences. With the exception of college, which I'll be paying off for half of my life.

I don't want to make the wrong decisions and not be able to correct them before it's time to go.
And it was proven to me again today that life is too short to be hesitant, but that scares me more.

And right now? I don't know what to think.
I'm mostly alone tonight. No one is reachable or if they are, they're busy. It's quiet.
I'm sitting with my laptop in front of the television and I can't help but be reminded of the weekends when my grandmother was in the hospital. I would come home to take care of the house, and sit alone quietly for two or three days.

I can feel myself closer to that emptiness again - the feeling that there is nothing and no one there. The loneliness of no one to turn to.

Logically I am perfectly safe. I am sitting in my warm, lighted home in a completely quiet little town.
But I don't think I have been this terrified in a long time.

What do you do where there is nothing to do?